The drought: The ashes of my past
⚠️ Content Warning
This section contains personal reflections and experiences related to body image and eating disorders. If you are in recovery, currently struggling, or find this topic triggering, please prioritize your well-being and proceed with care.
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The drought: Bent but not Broken
When I was eleven, my ballet teacher gently asked why I was leaning to one side during class. I told her, quite honestly, that I was trying to stand up straight. That simple comment led to a referral to an orthopedic surgeon, where I was diagnosed with idiopathic scoliosis.
At the age of twelve, I underwent spinal fusion surgery—a life-altering experience that marked the beginning of my journey toward self-acceptance. Navigating recovery during adolescence, a time already filled with emotional and physical changes, was incredibly challenging. Around the same time, I began to struggle with body image and developed an eating disorder.
These intertwined experiences shaped my resilience and ignited a lifelong passion for understanding the connection between the body and mind. They also laid the foundation for my future as a social worker, where I now support children and families through their own complex journeys.
My story is a reminder that every setback holds the potential for growth, and that often, our greatest challenges become the roots of our greatest strength.
Post-op recovery
I had my Scoliosis operation before I before puberty, however the trauma of the surgery cause a dual experience of healing and navigating womanhood.
at such a young age I wasn’t ever necessarily insecure about my body until I went back to school after my spinal operation. At thirteen, my body was just started entering puberty and I was doing my best to adapt to the changes as my body continues to heal and change. My body and mind were already in survival mode. One day in class, a small group of boys started making degrading comments about my body in regards to my weight. Before that event, I never thought anyone looked at my body negatively before. I started questioning my value in regards to weight. Was my body less desirable because of my size?
After that experience I started skipping breakfast and lunches throughout middle and high school to compensate for the malformation in my spine. Perhaps I was always at a higher risk of developing an eating disorder but I think that the toxic combination of cruel words from others and wanting to feel social accepted by my peers predisposed me into a toxic relationship with my body. I spent so much of my life rejecting my body and punishing my body for functioning. I felt that no matter how thin I got I would never be thin enough because of my wider ribcage. Would I ever be worthy of love? I hid my eating disorder for many years, it gave me a false sense of security. My eating disorder became my identity. My ED had to take everything away in order for me to realize that I needed to to choose to live to choose to nurture my body and soul and choose recovery.
A little over eight years ago, I was very ill with an eating disorder and spent nearly six months in and out of hospital care. It was one of the most difficult seasons of my life—but also one of the most transformative.
During rehabilitation, I began to understand what it truly meant to live a healthy life—not in pursuit of appearance, but in service to wholeness. I realized my body was never meant to conform to society’s ever-shifting standards of beauty. The very imperfections I once resented became symbols of what makes me uniquely me.
MY BODY IS MY HOME AND I WILL NOT TEAR IT DOWN,
TO ME BEAUTY IS ABOUT BEING COMFORTABLE IN YOUR OWN SKIN. IT'S ABOUT ACCEPTING WHO YOU ARE AS YOU ARE.
"When I loved myself enough, I began leaving whatever was unhealthy. This meant habits, people, jobs, my own beliefs- Anything that kept me small. My judgment called it disloyal... Now I see it as self-loving"
"I CAN NEVER GAVE UP ON RECOVERY. MY EATING DISORDER NO LONGER HAS ROOM IN MY LIFE ANYMORE, I NEED TO CHOOSE SELF-COMPASSION TO HEAL I DON'T HAVE ANOTHER CHOICE"- JOURNAL EXERT 2016
"And when the storm is over, you won't remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive... But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm you won't be the same person who walked in"
THE JOURNEY TO RECOVERY
Recovering from a mental illness is incredibly vulnerable and scary. But I put in the work, went to therapy, and learned as much as possible. I began to allow myself to sit with the pain I felt—without letting my uncomfortable emotions control my actions. I listened to my body’s needs and started caring for myself as I would have for a young child. I knew deep down that my eating disorder wasn’t going to define my story. I wanted to live a happy life and go to university. I thought maybe by studying Child and Family Studies, I could continue into social work. Perhaps learning social work theory would even help me deepen my recovery. Setbacks happen—but they do not erase the progress already made. From time to time, I still notice old behaviors, like avoiding a fear food at the grocery store. But I now see those moments as hiccups—gentle reminders that I must continue to choose recovery. I love my brain and how my emotions are now regulated. Almost ten years later, I’ve accomplished the dreams I once thought were out of reach. And I did it by choosing recovery—not just for the future me, but for the younger Shayla who once hurt so deeply she felt the need to shrink herself to belong. She is my why. I protect her by choosing recovery and love her by nourishing my body. All the hard work I’ve put in has paid off. My pain has turned into purpose. Today, I’m in the maintenance phase of recovery, where I continue to challenge the thoughts that might limit my decisions. I’m proud of how far I’ve come—and excited for what’s still to bloom.
ED Recovery:
"She is compelling
&
Knows her worth"
Living a Healthy Lifestyle: A Journey of Self-Compassion and Faith:
Living a healthy lifestyle is something I deeply value. To me, healthy living means tuning into what my body needs and honoring its limits with care and respect.
I nourish body with balanced meals, and daily movement, support my cognitive health with consistent sleep hygiene, and from using smoking or alcoholic substances.
I prioritize intentional rest and recovery-ensuring my body can heal after intense workouts, and my mind reset after long days of screen and sessions.
I practice my own creative self care by spending time in my garden and sewing.
I support my own mental health with my own therapy, even as a counsellor myself—because healing is a lifelong journey, not a destination.
Now, almost eight years into my brave and bold recovery, I’m continue to un-learning limiting beliefs to extend compassion toward myself.
I celebrate what my body can do, and I choose to fuel it with nourishment so it can continue to do incredible things. Most importantly, my worth and identity are rooted in Christ. My value does not come from what I’ve accomplished, how I compare to others, or the labels the world might assign me. My Heavenly Father calls me loved. My choices, mistakes, appearance, or status do not define my worth—I am fearfully and wonderfully made. That truth anchors me, always.
